Mercutio's Lesson
by Cornadopia
Summary: "You know what, Benny-Bens? I've been thinking, and I think I know what you need." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah.. you need a girl in your life." Modern-language; M/B.
1. Part One

Welcome, everyone! This is mostly drabble, which I've never really done before. But it's got a bit of a point to it; good ol' Mercutio/Benvoilio slashage! *applause, applause*

Anyway, this is rated T for language. It's written in modern-English because this is more of a character-study focus than a detailed, epically-proportioned period piece. It is a side story to "Mercutio and Allegra"; if you haven't read that, though, it's no big deal if you don't, you should be able to get the beat anyway. Oneshot, two chapters.

Disclaimer: Look at my face, we're all beardless over here.

Anyway, please review, I like reviews. Feel free to enjoy as well, I like enjoys.

Corny

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One of the first cloudy days of April found Benvolio alone in the corridors of his uncle's home, with only an apple to keep him company.

It was unfair that the way the apples tasted every day never matched what kind of day it was in Verona. At least, they never did at Romeo's house. Whenever Benvolio decided, walking down the street, that that day had turned out pretty well, he'd stop at Romeo's for a snack and pick out a sour apple. On days like today, though - warm enough for early April, but cold enough for mid-December and lonely enough for a prison cell - Benvolio realized he always managed to find the sweetest apple ever.

Benvolio sighed. Today's apple was sweet, kind of mushy, exactly the way he liked his apples. _Al dente _apples sort of sucked, he thought…

_Geez, am I bored_.

Benvolio slowly became aware that he was alone, for the first time in what seemed like a year. He didn't have any desire to say anything, to be with anyone. He liked the rare moments he had to spend alone with a good old mushy apple - especially when he was sure no one would intrude upon him. This was Romeo's house, but Benvolio had no particular desire to seek out his cousin… He was off doing whatever it was Romeos did best…which probably meant he was off girl-hunting. Romeo hadn't exactly been open lately, and if he had a latest soul mate, Benvolio and the others didn't know who.

With a long yawn, he stretched out on the corridor-long windowpane, taking a bite of the apple as he closed his eyes, basked in whatever sunlight the day could muster. Nothing was bothering him, and nothing would…not as long as he was in hiding.

He was lost in sleep when he heard a horrible scream from the awake world. He cried out in shock, looking around in panic before rolling onto the ground with a thump. "Oomph.." He glanced up at his upside-down wake-up call.

"Rise and _shi-ine_!" Mercutio sang, waving in Benvolio's face. "Seriously, wake the fuck up…whatever happened to 'I'll meet you at noon'?"

It hadn't hurt, but Benvolio had been enjoying a nice nap. "Sorry, sorry…slipped my mind, okay? I had stuff to do." He glared.

"Oh, clearly. I can see you were just ever so busy, snoring away over here," Mercutio said, starting to pace. "Sleeping must really tire you out. But hey, that's cool, it's not like we had plans or anything, not like you were gonna help us round up Romeo's ass so he can meet Allegra, who by the way, really, really wants to meet him. and I wouldn't mind proving to him that she actually exists," he added under his breath.

"Shit." Benvolio pushed himself up. "I totally forgot about that."

Mercutio hadn't stopped moving since the second he entered this hallway. He crossed his arms and tapped his foot as he waited for Benvolio to go on.

The ever-so-familiar sensation of being sorry, which Benvolio knew he felt way more than the average person, started to kick in. It wasn't easy to speak when he felt so down on himself; it was as if some Capulet had punched him in the stomach. "I know Romeo isn't home, but maybe he went to church. Maybe he thought whatsherface would be there - what's her name, Rosaline?"

"We already checked," Mercutio said. "Skinny horse said she hadn't seen Romeo in a week. Now, are you gonna go back to your happy little nappy, or are you gonna leave the nursery and play with the big boys?" Mercutio gave him huge, fake-caring puppy eyes.

As sorry as Benvolio was, he hadn't forgotten all the futility that came with hanging out with them nowadays. "Forget it, good-night." He plunked himself back onto the windowsill and lay down.

Mercutio stared. "Okay, good-night." He laid down not far from Benvolio, just to annoy him.

_He'll leave_, Benvolio told himself. _He never liked naps.._

Benvolio was starting to feel heavy and content again, ready to drift into sleep, when Mercutio started to pretend to snore. Benvolio growled and got up. "Mercutio!"

"Mommy," Mercutio muttered, turning over.

"Come on!" Benvolio cried. "Why do you have to do this to me?"

"SNORE!" Mercutio said.

Benvolio sighed in exasperation and fell against the window.

Mercutio didn't take long to copy him. "You know what, Benny-Bens?" he asked. "I've been thinking, and I think I know what you need."

"Oh yeah?" Benvolio said bitterly.

"Yeah," Mercutio said, putting his arm around Benvolio. "You need a girl in your life."


	2. Part Two

Thanks for the feedback, guys! Please sir, may I have some more?

NOTE: Some of you may recognize a few movie references here. Mercutio mentions a character that my friend just told me was from "Austin Powers", and you'll certainly notice similarities if you've seen the movie "Hitch". Yes, I know there weren't movies in 1300. Bite me.

Enjoy it! It was wicked fun to write.

Good vibes,

Cornadopia

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With a nibble on his lower lip, Benvolio nodded, considering the thought. "Hm. Interesting theory. And you know what I think YOU need?"

"What?"

"I think you need to get a fucking clue," Benvolio said, pushing Mercutio off the windowsill with one jerk of the hand, right in the formerly confused little face.

His friend landed on the floor. "Oomph - c'mon, Benvolio, I'm serious."

"Serious?" Benvolio pretended to be - and actually kind of was - surprised. "Do my ears deceive me? Mercutio, serious?"

"Yeah! You're nineteen, man, and all you do is sit in the dark, reading about moppinology or whatever it's called."

Benvolio snorted. "Ophthalmology," he said, pronouncing the name of his current favorite subject to read about. "'Op-tho-MOL-oh-gee.' It's the study of the eye. I think it's pretty rich that you're chastising me about never having a girlfriend, while you never had one until now. Yes, and I KNOW Allegra's 'different'," he added, when Mercutio opened his mouth to speak again, "but there are tons of girls that you could have dated before, you just weren't ready, and as of now, neither am I."

Mercutio got up, crossing his arms. "Ohh. I get it now. You like dick."

Trying not to sputter, Benvolio burst out, "I do not! I like ...I like vagina! A lot of vagina!"

Mercutio tapped his chin. "Alotta Fagina? Hmm...I don't believe I know her. Is she pretty?"

That did it; Benvolio went back to his apple, muttering, "Fuck you."

"Let's start with girls. I'd like to teach you something my cousin Paris tried to teach me back when I thought girls had cooties. Don't worry, you'll like it. It's all new-agey and stuff. It's called, 'role-play'.

"Now, let's begin." Mercutio plopped down next to Benvolio, who didn't even bother looking at him. "Let's say you're sitting by the river looking out at the world, and a girl walks up to you and sits next to you. I'll be the girl, you be Benvolio. Got it?"

"Ugh..."

"Great," Mercutio said chirpishly, clearing his throat to get into character. He fluffed out his wild brown hair and batted his eyelashes at his fellow player. "Why, hello there, Benvolio," he squeaked. "Lovely day we're having, isn't it?"

Benvolio said nothing. Though Mercutio wasn't easy to tune out, Benvolio was making a hearty effort.

"Nhehehe...do you know, there is nothing sexier to me than a pirate. Do you like pirates, Benvolio? Tell me: if you were a pirate, would you put your parrot on _this _shoulder..." Mercutio caressed Benvolio's shoulder nearest to him, then the other one. "...or _this _shoulder?"

"GAH, THAT'S IT!" his comrade erupted. He leapt up from the seat and shuddered. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Wow. You're a horrible actor," Mercutio said.

"Mercutio...just forget it, okay? I'm outta here."

So he scooped up his book and apple core and took off down the Great Hall. Calling after him in near frantic, his idiot friend dashed after him; neither of them stopped until they had reached the piazza.

At the fountain, Mercutio gripped his knees. "Benvolio," he breathed, "I really am serious. You don't want to miss out on girls."

"Or do I?" Benvolio gave a mirthless laugh. "I just don't get it! You say these things about Allegra - that she's amazing, that you want to be with her for the rest of your life, all kinds of things. And you even_ kiss _her in public! Are you even listening?"

"Yeah, something about kissing, right? Do you want a lesson in that, too? We can make that Lesson Two."

"NO!"

"Wassamatter?" Mercutio wagged his eyebrows. "Scared?"

"No!"

"Yep."

"Ugh, fine," Benvolio groaned, defeated again. "Give me the kissing lesson."

Grabbing his friends shoulders and forcing him to look at him, Mercutio got to work right away. "Now you'd better cooperate this time. Look into my eyes. Eyes are the first thing chicks notice, you know."

Luckily, no one in the piazza seemed to be noticing this. Though he had looked into them every day since the first day of Latin school, Benvolio couldn't help but take note of the depth of Mercutio's eyes; they were sea blue. No, blueberry-blue. They were like two matching blueberries.

"Are you looking?" Mercutio demanded, and Benvolio jumped. "Good. Now, purse your lips. Not that much! Not like an ape. You'll get spit all over the chick's face that way." He slowed his voice down and pursed his thin, pink lower lip only slightly. "Like that."

Just as slowly, Benvolio tried his best to follow, but his lips weren't so well-defined. How had he never noticed the regal sculpture of his best friend's face, the tenebrism of his colors? There was so much to Mercutio, and it was all wonderful, wrapped up in one unpredictable package...

"Great. Now, grab my hair, and I'll grab yours. Now...move very slowly...don't just jump right on, or the chick might freak out on you. Let them melt." His husky voice ebbed to a whisper. "Let them feel you."

Benvolio's heart was pounding. The two pairs of lips moved closer and closer. He didn't care who saw this lesson. All he took note of was every inch his head traveled; he counted every second until Lesson Two would be finished.

"YO, WHAT THE FUCK!"

It all happened in a matter of seconds. When Benvolio came to his senses, his face flushed red; people had stopped in the midst of the piazza to gape in horror; Mercutio, his mouth hanging open and his blue eyes huge in his head, balanced himself on his hands in the fountain as if Benvolio had tried to unexpectedly stab him.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" he demanded, his voice breaking. "YOU DON'T GO AROUND KISSING PEOPLE LIKE THAT! YOU'VE GOTTA BE CRAZY!"

Mouth and throat dry, Benvolio was paralyzed and didn't acknowledge Mercutio as he picked himself up and paced, ranting the whole time. Finally he was able to swallow. "L-lesson Two complete?"

Halting in his pace, Mercutio turned on his boot and glared. "Lesson Two complete," he seethed, "as long as you swear on your flaming homosexual life that this will _never_ be spoken of again. NEVER."

They shook on it, and Mercutio seemed consoled. Sitting next to Benvolio, he examined his dripping doublet and grinned. "Glad I got a wash in after that."

Benvolio snapped out of that. "So I was really that bad? Do you think I learned anything?"

"Yeah, you learned a ton," Mercutio assured him. "You weren't bad. Not half bad, not bad at all. Of course, I was pretending you were -"

"HEY! MERCUTIO!"

Mercutio stood up at once and dashed off to meet up with the girl who had called him. Allegra was definitely hot, but Benvolio had gotten used to her by now. As soon as Mercutio saw her, he embraced her and twirled her around and kissed her for ten seconds. Nine-point-five seconds longer than Lesson Two.

"Allegra, did you happen to see what just happened?" he called, joining them.

Allegra and Mercutio broke apart, Mercutio still beaming and twirling his fingers around Allegra's hair.

"Nope, but I'm guessing this idiot must have fallen in the fountain," Allegra replied. "Was that it?"

Benvolio hesitated, but Mercutio clicked his tongue, so he only said, "Yep, pretty much."

"What made you so late, _farfalla_?" Mercutio asked in a gentle voice.

"I had to think of a believable reason for leaving," Allegra explained. "So I ended up just telling them I was going to my cousin Juliet's. Sorry if it took too long. But anyway, aren't we gonna go meet Romeo?"

"Sure! Of course!" Mercutio replied, grabbing Allegra's hand. "His house is this way. I've told him about you, so he won't flip a shit about you being a Capulet."

"Sweet," Allegra said. "Are you coming, Benvolio?"

"Nah, I got studying to do. I'll see you guys later." Benvolio wondered if Mercutio would even care he wasn't going with them, and when he had his girlfriend started frolicking across the stone floor like the love-struck children they were, his question was answered. It was kind of like being sorry; he felt a punch to the stomach.

Of course he had been right about love. It hurt.

_**FINE**_

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End file.
